


Honey, I Think the Venus Flytrap Has Gained Sentience What Do We Do in this Circumstance?

by possessedradios (orphan_account)



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: (That was its working title), But it's got not plot and is dialogue-only and was written by me so (vague hand gesture) eh., Flowers and plants have like. Only guest roles., Gen, God I wish they could., Plants can't talk., That's mostly because of the dialogue-only thing., The Flower Shop AU we all deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 08:39:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14712797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/possessedradios
Summary: PRYCE AND CARTER’S FLOWER SHOP AND PLANT CARETAKING MANUALCongratulations on having been hired by Goddard Flowers! To ensure that your employment will go smoothly, we ask you to read and memorize the following 1001 tips. They cover a variety of topics and hypothetical problems you may encounter, including but not limited to: customer relations, the dos and don'ts when interacting with flowers and plants, and financing. Committing them to your memory is crucial and might just prevent us from heartlessly closing down your site if you happen to be less profitable than anticipated. ...Don't worry, that's, of course, just atheoretical exampleof the many,manyways these guidelines will come in handy.





	Honey, I Think the Venus Flytrap Has Gained Sentience What Do We Do in this Circumstance?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kalgalen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalgalen/gifts).



> This fic is part of the Wolf 359 reverse big bang!
> 
> I was lucky enough to work with [kalgalen](https://kalgalen.tumblr.com). You can find their wonderful art that inspired my work at the start of the fic and [here on tumblr](http://kalgalen.tumblr.com/post/174077685658/my-art-piece-for-the-w359rbb-detailsmore).

* * *

**Outlook reminder:**  
**_Meeting with P &C in 7 weeks / Go over the numbers again_ **

“Minkowski! Minkowski, I could really, uhh, use some help here?”

“Not now, Eiffel!”

“But–”

“I need to go over these numbers, but every time I– Oh, goddammit! It’s an excel sheet, how can the results be different each time I– ugh!”

“Minkowskiiii? It’s– Please!”

“Eiffel, if we don’t manage to pull in more sales ASAP, they’ll close down the shop, I need to analyze– Did you– Did you just _drop the Pothos_?!”

“I told you I needed help!”

“Goddammit, Eiffel! What’s the problem?”

“There’s a– a monster! A giant, black mon– Here, look at it.”

“... That’s a spider, Eiffel. A tiny, harmless spider. Just leave it there. I can’t believe you–”

“It could be poisonous!”

“Venomous.”

“What?”

“You mean, venomous. And it’s not. Clean up this mess, get a new hanger, put up the Pothos. I need to go over our earnings again. I could swear the whole _computer_ is acting funny since they’ve installed HERA.”

“What? What’s a HERA?”

“The new program I’ve been telling you about. The one I’ve been trying to teach you how to use since _Monday_. Actually, I could show you how to–”

“Oh, _so sorry_ , Minkowski, but I have to take care of this poor Pothos, now. Maybe some other time, okay? … … Venomous. Sure, sure. Unless it drops itself into my mouth and I swallow it and turn into Spider Man. I’d be a terrible Spider Man, I’d be scared of myself.”

“Eiffel, I can still hear you. Pothos, _now_ , or your non-existent Spider Man persona won’t be who you should be afraid of.”

“God, yeah, I’m on it!”

* * *

**Outlook reminder:**  
**_Me̛eting with P &C in 6 weeks / You have the numbers and they suck. We need to do somethi̶̡ng about this._ **

“What abouuut… free flowers?”

“What.”

“Free flowers! We stand outside the shop and give out free flowers to people who’re passing by and–”

“We’re about to miss the target profit and your best idea is it to _give out free flowers_?”

“... Potted plants, then? Yes, no? Maaayyyyb–”

“Eiffel! Take this seriously!”

“I am!”

“Well, we can’t give out free flowers. _Or_ potted plants.”

“Hm.”

“Mmhm.”

“Well.”

“Yeah.”

“We could … do some … promotional posters? And hang them up around town? I’ll do it!”

“I know how _that_ will end. You don’t get to leave the shop, period. Last time I sent you to buy coffee you were gone for _four hours_.”

“Look, Minkowski, if you pass by a park and see a guy freaking out about a duck following him around, what’re you supposed to do?”

“Shoot the duck, if you have to, but you don’t invite the guy for pizza!”

“He was really distressed!”

“You were–”

“And cute!”

“Oh, for God’s– You know what? You go redecorate the window. I’ll see whether I can design a poster.”

“So the idea was good!”

“ _If_ anyone is going to hang them up around town, I’ll be the one who does it. Could you do the window, now? I thought we could put some tulips next to–”

“No can do, sorry.”

“...”

“I’m serious, I _can’t_!”

“Fine, I’ll bite. Why, Eiffel – please, in detail – can’t you decorate our window?”

“Well, see, when I came in this morning–”

“–seven minutes too late, by the way, we need to talk about–”

“–I saw the spider crawling around right at the window, and–”

“Eiffel, you have got to be kidding me!”

“I don’t like spiders!”

“Are you planning to just sit here all day and do nothing, then?!”

“I mean, sounds like a plan.”

“You could at least finally read the FSPCM. I _know_ you still haven’t.”

“... The what, now?”

“Oh are you for– Ugh. Pryce and Carter’s Flower Shop and Plant Caretaking Manual? Our guidelines?”

“Pfffsh, who needs _that_?”

“You tried to water the flowers with fabric softener the other day!”

“Look, the bottle had flowers on it, and I thought–”

“FSPCM 398: Do not, under any circumstances, try to enhance your flowers’ smell with fabric softener. Not only will it not work, it might also well result in a mass attack of angry bees.”

“... What?”

“If you had read the book, you–”

“No, like, wait a sec, I mean, seriously: _What?_ Bees?”

“Go read the damn book.”

* * *

**PRYCE AND CARTER’S FLOWER SHOP AND PLANT CARETAKING MANUAL**  
**_Tip #555_ **

In other branches, the phrase “The customer is always right” may be applicable. Here, however, you’ll find that it’s the flowers who have the final say.

* * *

**Outlook reminder:**  
**_Meeting with P &C in 5 weeks. P̜̯ͅͅr̬͍i̭̙n̬̮̫͖̭͍̱͠ͅt͏͖̩͟͡ ̸̬͝t̢͉̱̞͈̞h̵͙̫̣͎̼̩̫͍e͕̺̫͙̪͈̥͚̗ ̟͙̟̞͇p̬͠͝r̛͓o̴̩̩̱̬͘͢m̜̲͢o̷̧̗͔͉͓̻͉̙̗̟̣͚̗̲͞t̢̛͓̫͎͉̥̕͞i̡̟̞̫̭͍͖͓͎̼̤̰̘̭̝̮͘ͅͅo͏҉̼͙͇̝̲̳̥͓̪̣̻͘͝n̡̝͎̰͡ͅa̵̡͍̰͉̬̤̖̬̪l̴̖͇̮̥̯̹͎̘͕͎̮͞͞͠ ̵͕̩̞̪̙̳̠̗̼͙̼̜̜̯͠͡ͅͅp̨̞͙̞̥o̸̴̝̼̼͙̳̹̹̝̲̺̘̭̠̟̤͉̕͟ͅͅs҉̬͙̠̥̠̖̙̤̜̩̜̻̭̼̺t̵͎̬̞̗̳̪̕͢͝e̶̵̤͖͙̮̹̰̼̠̩̖̰͢͟r҉̷̡̛̳̻̠͍̤͘s̵̶͍̮̠̤͔͍͖̫̙͙̯̦͈̝̹.̸͉͙̗̭̳̭̘̙̬̝͜ͅ_ **

“... Eiffel? Can you– take a look at this?”

“What is i– holy shit, what’s wrong with Outlook?”

“I am … honestly not sure. This never happened before.”

“Geez. It looks like it’s threatening us.”

“I told you, this computer isn’t working right anymore since they’ve installed HERA.”

“Yeah, you said that before. But, wasn’t HERA just supposed to be our program to, uh, order stuff and keep our inventories updated and all that?”

“Yes, but everything’s been iffy ever since I first started it. Last week, I typed 1 + 2 into an Excel sheet because I thought the results of my calculations kept changing, and it gave me back ‘42’ as a result.”

“... Well, I mean, that’s not _wrong_.”

“... What?”

“Ah. You’ve never read– Wait, really? You haven’t even _watched_ –? Uh, nevermind. Anyway, that’s weird. Have you tried calling tech support?”

“Yes. It … didn’t go very well.”

* * *

**GODDARD FLOWERS call log #32/8**  
[recorded for quality assurance and training purposes]

_“GF tech support, Alana Maxwell speaking. How can I be of assistance?”_

_“Hey, yes, hello, this is Renée Minkowski. I work at the store in Hephaestus Street?”_

_“Oh! Oh, right, you’re the ones who are located near the train station and somehow still manage to make half of what the guys over in the Hermes Street make, right?”_

_“...”_

_“Ma’am? Are you still–”_

_“Yes, I’m still there. That’s … us, yes. I’m_ glad this is the kind of reputation we have.”

_“Well, you know how it is.”_

_“I really don’t.”_

_“Anyway, what’s the problem?”_

_“Our computer is … uhm. It’s … got some …_ quirks _since they’ve installed HERA.”_

_“Oh, that shouldn’t happen. We double-checked everything before we released the final version and had the program installed. What’s not working? Does it concern financing, order processing, or–”_

_“Actually, it concerns the whole_ computer _.”_

_“... … I’m sorry?”_

_“The whole computer isn’t working right anymore!”_

_“I … see. … … Say, have you tried turning it off and on again?”_

_“Have I– Listen, I’m not an idiot! I know how to work a computer!”_

_“Oh, dear God, it’s one of_ those _–”_

_“Hey! I can hear you!”_

_“Sorry, sorry. So, what_ exactly _is wrong with the computer?”_

 _“Everything! Excel isn’t working right – and don’t you dare ask me whether I used the correct formulas –, mails just seem to delete themselves, my report on my colleague I had prepared just_ vanished _...”_

_“Are you sure your colleague didn’t just– I mean, was it a _positive_ report, or–”_

_“Can you just take a look at HERA, please?”_

_“Uh, yeah, sure. One moment. You’re at your computer now?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Cool, I’ll request remote access in a second, please confirm this. … Great. Now– Oh, you don’t even have it open.”_

_“And things like the ones I just described are_ still _happening!”_

 _“Huh. I’ll try to see whether– Oh._ Oh. _”_

_“What?”_

_“Oh, it’s nothing, just … a window opened on_ my _computer, and I_ think _that’s HERA’s code? Huh, let me… Give me just a … second … Oh, this is … this is highly interesting, it almost … looks like she’s trying to communicate with… Huh.”_

_“She? Did you just call– I’m sorry, but can you please try to fix my computer?”_

_“Mmhmmm, just … give me a second.”_

_“Lady, I can hear you typing, are you working on_ my _computer, or–”_

_“Can you be quiet for a moment?”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“Oh, dear, I’ve never seen anything like this before, this is_ beautiful _.”_

 _“Are you– Would you_ please _–”_

_“Not now, okay?”_

_“What?! Lady, listen, I’ll hang up, and I_ will _report you!”_

_“Mmhmm.”_

[end of call log #32/8]

* * *

**Outlook reminder:**  
**_Meeting with P &C in 4 weeks. ̬͎̜M͖̣e̫͇̫̝̳̝̖͝e̵͕͕̗̭ț̴̮̟̳͉̰̝i̶̫̗̬̪ṉ̸̣̳̬̟̙g̶̟͈̝͎̲̫ͅ w̵i͍̤̠͔̪̮͢t̸͉h̞̩̺͕̳̜̙ ̸̩̘̹̞̮̻̫P̼̩&͏̺̪͖͖̫̝͉C̣͎̰ ̭̘͙̤̳͚̪i̸̤͍̺͓n͞ ̯͓̭̜͈͈͢4̟͎̮̩̙ ̶̥̘̳͖̹̫w͍̮̩ͅe͏eks̡̤̩̦͓͚̠͔.̜̝ ̜̺͍̬̰͓M͝҉̖̺̱͖e͎͖͙̬͇̭͔͘͟͞e̺͇̫̲͉̳̼͇̕͠͡t͈̟̘͇͎̩̭͚͠i̜̞͚̖͝n̡͏͚̮̳̻̦͔̪̞͜ģ͓̖͖͉ ̴̢̢̥͔̱̪w̪͉̪̙͖͚̝͔i̴̫͕̬̬̩t̵͏̸̝̰̞̖̘̼ͅh̨͇ ̷̧̭̕P̧̢̬̥̗̼̫̤̗͙͙͘&҉̡̰͚̥̲̜̖͔̙͙C̺̮̞͙̪ ̱͍̩͠i̴̙̲͈̜͘n̷̹̻͍̭̖͈̩͢͠ ̟̻͞4̸̟̞̻͖̬̥̙̕ ̵̺̺̟̱͝w̥̖̙̭̘̟̥̝̘e̻̱̠̭͕͟e̡̖͍̭͞k̭̱̰s̷̵̮͍͕̠͖͓̣͟.͈̜̩̣͎͙̞̳͚ ̴͟͏͈͓̪͖ͅM̡̛̱̼̫̯͖̖̜͙͍̭̟̹͘ͅe͓̟̼͎̼͉͉̠͇̥̜̕ ̫͎͍͙̻̕ę͕̣̦̘̘͘͞ ̶̶̢͇̺̰͙̘̭͉͈̜̝̳̖̭̥͘ͅt̸̡̮͖̤͚͇̕͝i̴̡͎̪̣͇̼̰̮̲̥̻͓̗̗n̨̬̜̖͕͈̺̣̜͖͍̕͜͞ ̴̡̡͚͕̦̠̦̝͔͓͈̰̬̤̪͢g̠̳̤̼͚̥̬̮̕͠ ̵͍̪̗̲͍̫͚̺̪̼̦̫͠w̕͏̗̰͖̻̠̦̹̘͙͉̙̲̥i̴̵̮͈̙̳̘͍̞͎̻̥̖͕̮̰͎̩͠t̶̛͍̱͔͈̜̰̱̣͓͈̬̳͔͢ ̵̸̟̜̻̺̲͈̲̪͉̰̼̬͘ͅ ̴̢͔͚̺͍̞͇̻̘̭̗̫͉̟͢͝ ͏͓̮̻̻̥͙̟̲̝̠̝͙̹̟̲̬ͅ ̛͉̥̣̥̙̦̭̯̞̹͖͟h͘͡͏̧̡͔̹̬̣̯̭̦̻̝̣͕ͅ ̵̱͈̞̠̗̜̩̮͜P̧͡҉͏̟͍̼̙̗̩̳̲͓͓̼̩̝̫̕ͅ ҉̷̶͍͎̯͕͈̙̣͎̟̪̭͓̱̫͎͓͢͢ ͏̙̖̠͇͇̰ ̸̧̧̛̰̟̙̞̪̮͇̰̜̪̫̰̼̦̹͡&̷̛̤͚͎̣̭͍̮͔̲̣͈̪̠̤̺̬̼̣͜C̭̬̳̹͉̬̰̟̘̜̭̻̖̭͇̳͝͠ͅ ҉̶̡̱̟̲̲̟̜̜̩̗͎͇͖̫̯͘i̵̹̪̭̣̺̮̼͔͢ ̧̢̩̜̪͎̥̻͍̟̮̠̥̞̦̺̗ņ͍̻̳̦͖̞͍̝͕̦̝ ̸͞͏҉̻̲͓͎͉̰̦̺̼̥̞̟̜͓̭̤ ̡̼͈͎̣͔̮̦͡4͇̠͚͍̱͎͉̯̘̤̗̩̰͓̮͜͡ ̷̨̯̙͉͈͉͍̰͚̭͍̼͚ͅw̵̴̪͙̱͚͙͙͖̥̪͢͡͡ ̛͖͈̲͈͔̫̜͕̘̞̼̯̗͡ͅͅe҉̧̛̛҉͉͚̭̺̞̳̤̪̻̘͇ͅe͏̡̩̳͚̟͜k͜͏̱̦̺͖͔̻̭̫s͖̤̳̝͚̙͕̫͚̼̻͔̠̕͠.̕̕͏̨͙̫̥̰͉͇̩̖͎̥͞ͅ_ **

“Uhhh.”

“Minkowski?”

“Y– Yes, Eiffel?”

“I didn’t– Is everything okay? You’re looking a little pale.”

“N– No, everything’s fine. You were saying?”

“Uh, right. I didn’t know this Dr. Hilbert guy was still working here.”

“Oh. Oh, yes, he is.”

“But– What does he actually _do_?”

“I’m … not entirely sure, to be honest. He’s only ever here at night. I think he’s doing part of his research on our plants? Why are you asking?”

“Oh, when I opened up this morning, I found this note on the counter. It just says ‘Am testing new fertilizer. Do not touch specimen 34 (the Dionaea Muscipula).”

“We don’t use fertilizers. Goddard Flowers’ policy is very strict, their R&D department–”

“I know, I know, that’s why I was confused. Also, what’s a Dino–”

“Dionaea Muscipula. For God’s sake, Eiffel, you should know that. Commonly known as the Venus Flytrap.”

“Ahh. The one I stuck googly eyes on when I first started working here? I love it!”

“... Yes. That one. And now it’s … off limits, apparently. We kept it– What the– Uh, it’s over there, on the shelf.”

“Did he– Well, at least he left the eyes on, but why did he put it in a _tank_?”

“That’s a terrarium, Eiffel.”

* * *

**PRYCE AND CARTER’S FLOWER SHOP AND PLANT CARETAKING MANUAL**  
**_Tip #074_ **

If you find yourself feeling stressed, overworked, under pressure, depressed, anxious or too tired to function, lie down next to a plant of your choosing* and talk to them about it. You’ll both profit off it. Alternatively, silent companionship might help, as well. You’re breathing, and that’s enough for them. Isn’t this reassuring?

_________________________________________________________________________________  
*Do not, under any circumstances, choose any kind of palm or ivy for this, though.

* * *

**Outlook reminder:**  
**_͔͚̗͙̰̜Promotional posters didn’t help. Shit. M̳̝̥̰ ̵̝̤͈͍͚ȩ ̙̞̙̗̘̖ę͓͇̻͚t҉͈ ̵̣͇̺͈͔̺i̹̱͎ ͇̟͉̯͞n͍̪͞ ̫͚̞̖͓͡ͅg̡̝̼̺͖ ̙̹͙̦͞w͈̥͙͞ ̧̲̬̬͈ͅị͙͍̠̪̘ͅ t̝͔ ̪̺̤̼̖͞h͙̥͢ ̳̫̮̫̕ ̧̪̞ ̡P̶̫̮͕ ̦̠̰̝̟ &͇̱͚ ̮͎C̢̠̼ ̯̭͚ ͝ͅi̻ͅ ̗ ҉̰̜̪̟̫̪͓n͔̫͈̥̩͉̥͝ ͎͙̦̜̦͇̫͝ 3 weeks 3 weeks 3 weeks 3 weeks 3 weeks 3 weeks 3 weeks 3 weeks_ **

“Minkowski?”

“Yes, Eiffel?”

“Is– I’m kinda afraid to ask, but is there a reason why you’re lying next to a Snake Plant?”

“Oh, well, you know, I would have preferred to lie next to the Parlor Palm, as well, but–”

“No, I mean … on a more general level.”

“It’s not as if there were any customers.”

“... Are you okay?”

“No, Eiffel. No. I’m not okay. Outlook– or, HERA, I guess–”

“I decided I kinda like it! Or, uh, her. Sounds nicer. I was browsing the internet yesterday, and– uhh, I mean, to … study the Latin plant names, of course! And she took me right to the website of the cinema and even highlighted a few movies I might like! I mean … at least I _think_ that was HERA. I’m pretty sure our browser can’t do that.”

“HERA isn’t supposed to be able to do that, either.”

“I’ve chosen to embrace this technical wonder! But, sorry, what did she do?”

“Outlook and Hera reminded me that we’ve got that meeting with Pryce and Cutter in three weeks.”

“Oh. To … to talk about the … thing.”

“The _thing_. Yes. That _thing_ where they decide whether this shop is _economical_ enough to keep it open. We’ve hung up the stupid posters, and it’s just… It’s hopeless, Eiffel. They’ll close this site right down. And I know to you it’s just an annoying place you have to sit in for a few hours until you can finally leave again. I know you don’t care about it, or the flowers, or the potted plants, or – anything, here. But I’ve been here from the beginning. I helped _establishing_ this. I _do_ care. And knowing that everything will be just … gone …”

“... Geez. Uh, can I … join you? Next to the Snake Plant?”

“Yes.”

“... Hey. Minkowski. Where’s the fighting spirit? We can still do it! I mean, okay, we probably won’t reach our super awesome money goal, but if we show them that we–”

“Eiffel. Just … stop. It’s okay. We have no ideas on how to improve our situation. You don’t have to pretend to–”

“Isabel.”

“... What?”

“That Oxalis over there – the silver one? I named it Isabel. The Philodendron – that one over there, the one on the left – is called Elias. The one on the right is Kuan, and that Yucca in the corner? That’s the best, it’s called Victoire and it makes funny sounds when I water it? Uh, the – what’s that?”

“... The Pilea?”

“I don’t know whether you see where I’m pointing because we’re both lying on the floor, and your perspective–”

“Puckered leaves, maroon markings?”

“Yeah!

“Pilea.”

“The Pilea’s called Mace! The guy next to him is Sam, the Dumb Cane. … Which, by the way, rude?”

“... … Eiffel … what–”

“I’m trying to tell you that … God, I don’t know – I like them, y’know? All these flowers and plants? I think they’re neat! 

“You … really?”

“Yeah!”

“... Did all the cacti get names?”

“Yeah, but they’re all called Warren. I don’t know why, I just think it sounds prickly. Anyway, I care, and we’ll find a way, okay? Trust me! I’ll figure it out.”

“It’s … already nice to know that you care. Thank you, Eiffel.”

“By the way, if you glance up theeeere … there, on the shelf? That’s my favorite.”

“The Venus Flytrap?”

“Yup! Called it Eris. With its googly eyes… Minkowski, do you think– Am I just stupid or was it much smaller last time we looked at it?”

“I think you’re right. I wonder what Hilbert did, exactly. … Oh, and, by the way, Eiffel?”

“Huh?”

“If _you_ glance just slightly to your left? You’ll see the spider you’re, for some reason, so afraid of. Thought I’d let y– Eiffel, don’t pani– Eiffel! You broke one of Warren’s pots!”

* * *

To: m.cutter@goddardflowers.com  
Subject: RE: Let’s talk about your numbers, Renée! :)

Dear Mr. Cutter

Thank you for your email.

I can assure you, both Mr. Eiffel and I are aw̶̧͟͞a͏re of the dire situation we are in, financial wise. We are, of course, both inc̶̷redi͡҉̛͘b̵̡l̷y busy working on a solution to this particular problem. We’re both highly motivated, in good spirits, and more than ready to do what it ta̛kes to get th͝͞҉̸e̴̸̡͠ business running aga҉͏i̢̧̨n.

I appreciate your reminder – we’re of course looking forward to the meeting in just a little more than two weeks. Y̧̤o͙͕̪u̥͖’͇̱̰͔̘͔r͖͎̕e̡͕̦͉ ͙̦̳̻̥̗ͅṛ̞i̻̟̳̼ͅg͉͕͠h̳͢t͏̪̪:̴͔͓̰̤ ͠I̝͈t̨̲͙̪͇͕ ̞̪̪ͅre͍͔a̲͍̞ll͖̦̳̗̠͘y ̟̹̟͎̳h̝͉a̛͓̱̳̥̮͔̭s̻̠͍̦ ̠͖͢ͅb͞e͇͈̼e̫̭͔͇̞̪n̯̪̖̠̜ ͈̩͔̰̺̜̫t̗̣̩̭͚͠o̵̼͖̺̭̹ͅo̹̱͚͔̣ ̩l̠̫͈̥̺͚̭o̡͓̙̗̫̭̭n͉g.̠͔͇͕  
Also, please tell the team over at the Hermes street that Mr. Eiffel and I were overjoyed when we read the company magazine and saw how ̥͎͜͞w͏̗̗̪̲̯̼͍̭͚e͎̺̹̩͎l̵͎̱͠l̵͍̮͔ ̵̞̲͉̥͞they’re doing this yeagggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh  
ddddddddddddddddhh̢̧̛̹̻̩̙h̡҉̶͚̗̪͈͚̭̬̬̣͕̲̣̯̩͠h̶̨̧̛͇͍̝̣̟̦͇̯̪͖͉͇̺̝͍͔̩h̞̦̣̯̜͎͕̺̳̹̺̯̣͘͡h͖̫͎̠̰̗̘͓̠͠͠h͜҉͠҉̦̦̠̝h҉̰̪̣̠̦̲̥̞̻̤̱̙̠̟ḩ̴̛̯̫̫̺̬͍̩̜̩̰͔͔̟͜͢h̷̢̳̩̰͜͞d҉͓̫̭̠̖͚̖̪̺̠̝̖ͅd̵̵̸̶̩̭̞̼̲͈d̛҉͓̟̻͈͢͢dddhhhhfffffffffffffffffffffff

Fff

ffffffffffffffffffffffff  
fffffffffffffffff̴͡͝f̶̢̛͘͡ffffffffffffffffffffffff plants  
pllllllllllllants  
p͏̵̶̭̹̬͖̭̯̦̪͈̩̮͢ͅļ̧͉̞̗̟͞a̡̧̼͕͓̼̬̞͍̟̝̯͉̞̪̩̜͟ͅ  
pl  
h  
hh

* * *

**Outlook reminder:**  
**_Meeting with P &C in 2 weeks / Ask Eiffel what the hell he’s been doing the whole week_ **  
_**į͠t͘ ͏̶̕c̸͏̡̢o͢͏m͏̕e̵̡s͞͏** _

“ _It comes_? Does– Does this say ‘it comes’? HERA, what do you _want_ from me?”

“Minkowski? Who’re– Are you talking to HERA?”

“I– no. Nevermind. Eiffel, why are you dragging all those flowers over to– Wait, don’t say you’re finally decorating the window!”

“I am! I think I’ve got everything, wait … red, orange, yellow, green… Yep, all set! Anyway, now that the spider’s hanging near the supply closet, I can never go in there again, _but_ I can go near the window. And, I think I got an idea! HERA gave me the idea, actually, she randomly took me to a LGBT dating website.”

“... What.”

“Yeah, just bear with me. As a side note, I was a little insulted, I don’t need someone else to be happy, you hear me, HERA?”

“Eiffel–”

“Trust me, this’ll be good! And to top it all off, I’ll put the Venus Flytrap in, too! I know Hilbert said we shouldn’t touch it, but it looks so cute, with its eyes? So I’ll just… uhm. Uh. Hm. Now that’s concerning.”

“Eiffel? What’s– ohh.”

“Was. Was the terrarium already shattered when we opened up this morning?”

“I don’t really remember …”

“Yeah. Me neither. For the record, you’re not altering the laws of the Universe by pranking me, right? And for once, I’m sure _I_ didn’t break it.”

“Eiffel, I’m not sure I get what you’re implying, but this is absolutely impossible. It couldn’t have just– _you know_.”

“It _did_ continue to grow at an alarm rate. Who the hell knows what Hilbert did to it!”

“Eiffel. Eiffel, no. They can’t– I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for– Eiffel, don’t look at me like that, it’s a plant! They’re not supposed to– It will be fine. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I wanted to stick larger googly eyes on it. It grew so much …”

“I really feel like this is _not_ the main problem here, and we should probably search–”

“Venus Flytrap? Eris? If you can hear me, please come back, I’ve got something for you!”

* * *

**Outlook reminder:**  
**_Meeting with P &C in 1 week / Clean the shop; make sure we’re able to offer chai_ **  
_**s̛̳̜̬̺̹͜ͅo̱̰̪̬̫̠̪͘͢o̵̷̹̦̠̲͖̝̻͓͜n̬̤̤̙** _  
_**s̡̘̪͚̮̬̠͕ͦͭ̾̚͝ͅͅơ̷̸̛͚̪̖̖͉ͭ̈͗̌ͤ̉̋̋̇ͩ̕ơ̵̠̥̭̣̜͓͖͌ͤ͒̉ͤͧͥ͠ͅͅń̡͚̪̹͚̰̹̥͚̖̘̭͈̲̰͍̖ͮͤ͐ͥ̈́͑̎ͮͮ̈ͣͬ͛͟͞** _  
_**s̛̳̜̬̺̹͜ͅo̱̰̪̬̫̠̪͘͢o̵̷̹̦̠̲͖̝̻͓͜n̬̤̤̙** _

“Yes, HERA, soon. Good morning to you, too.”

“She feeling talkative again?” 

“Kind of. I think by now she’s more nervous about the meeting next week than we are.”

“Aww. It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart.”

“I’m pretty sure she can’t feel it when you’re petting the monitor.”

“Yeah, last week we were _pretty sure_ we’d find Eris again in no time, and look at us now. We gotta assume she’s freely roaming the streets.”

“I still doubt it. Maybe Hilbert took her home. Anyway, we have to go to work. Two people came in yesterday, after you’ve left. They both want to pick up their orders before lunch today.”

“Oooh, exciting!”

“Mmhm! I still can’t believe your idea proved popular so quickly!”

“I mean, how could it not have? I love our new store motto! ‘Flowers are gay’? Genius! What’s the orders?”

“They all want one of the big flower pots.”

“Flags?”

“Yes. One with the trans one and one with the bi one. I also sold three more of the bouquets yesterday.”

“Aw, the rainbow colored ones? I knew they’d sell well! I’m a genius!”

“I never thought I’d say it, but you really are. Thank you, Eiffel. Mr. Cutter sent an email – he’s loving our new concept.”

“Hah! How many smiley faces did he add?”

“One, but with three brackets.”

“Jackpot!”

“Eiffel … you still haven’t told me how you got the idea, though.”

“I, okay. Remember how I said HERA took me to an LGBT dating site? I just clicked it away, but maaayyybe I was reading that stupid manual–”

“You actually read it?!”

“Shh, we’re not talking about this. Anyway, tip 197: ‘In times of trouble, know your strengths, know your customers, and don’t be afraid to get a little creative.’ I figured I’m really good at being not straight, so– oh my God, is that Eris? Minkowski, Min– are you seeing this?!”

“Is– Is this our Venus Flytrap? What is it– What _is_ that? This can’t be– is this one of its _trigger hairs_?”

“Have you ever heard of three feet long trigger hairs? Eris, what are you– What is she even– _oh_. The– the spider. She caught … the spider …”

“Where did she _come from_? We searched the whole store last week! She’s escaping into the– Eiffel, don’t just keep standing there!”

“The spider … she took the spider … my nemesis … gone …”

“Eiffel, for God’s sake, hand me– something! Give me the bug spray!”

* * *

**Outlook reminder:**  
**_Meeting with P &C in 1 hour_ **  
_**:̨̡)͢͝** _

“Okay. I think everything’s set so far. We’ve got orders from three towns over that we can tell them about …” 

“Yeah! And that very cute guy who was totally flirting with you asked whether he could write an article for the newspaper he’s working for about our shop!” 

“Oh, shut up! He wasn’t- but, anyway, everything’s– going well. It’s scary to say, but I think we’re fine. We made it, Eiffel.”

“Hell yeah! I’m almost looking forward to the meeting. They’ll shower us with compliments!”

“... We never found out where Eris went, though.”

“Oh, well. What could possibly go wrong, right?”

* * *

**PRYCE AND CARTER’S FLOWER SHOP AND PLANT CARETAKING MANUAL**  
**_Tip #1001_ **

In case of a botanical rebellion and/or revolution and/or ambush and/or mutiny, remember that you are not a superhero, whereas the enemy should be considered the plantal equivalent of a supervillain. Depending on the size of the army you’re up against, choose one of the following options: 1) run and hide; 2) lock them in storage. If you outnumber them, or the species is small enough, we strongly advice you to pick number 2, as running and hiding isn’t part of your stipulated duties to GF (see the fine print on page 17 of your employment agreement for further details) and you will therefore not be paid for the time spent running and hiding. If you manage to lock them in storage, your problem should solve itself in a matter of days, depending on the kind of species you’re dealing with and on how much water/sunlight they need. If locking the enemy up is not an option, revert to option number 1 mentioned above, and … good luck!

**Author's Note:**

> So, here's a fun fact: I almost became a gardener but ended up in an office instead, which honestly is such a lucky turn of events for every single plant in Switzerland, because I have no idea how to actually take care of plants. I somehow managed to kill three cacti.  
> You can find me, as always, on tumblr - I'm possessed-radios, and my podcast sideblog is shortwaveattentionspan.


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